dexterdessen's Blog

 i felt a little too much.

spoke a little too much.

it never works.

that routine worked so well.

well, it is august again.

again.

the same situation.

i hate this.

all of it.

i feel stupid.

i should be over it soon. 

if all goes well.

 i am floating on each note.

lingering on every sound.

it's lovely with no words.

your speaking loudly.

i hear you.

feel you.

understand and comprehend your hidden message.

i'm still.

be still.

the earth is not moving.

nothing matters now.

no one matters now.

it's just your one sense at work.

at play.

at orgasm.

reaching it's peak through stimulation.

instrumentation.

i'm feeling it tonight/this morning.

it's wonderful the works that come from nothing.

no one.

silence is nothing.

 not right now.

what frightens me will save me.

what i am scared of will keep me alive.

thats gorgeous.

what is that fear?

to love.

to find connection.

to become what i am to become.

to grow.

to be happy.

i am afraid of positivity.

of light and beauty. 

too insecure to feel like i am owed it.

we are all owed it.

happiness.

smiles.

a smile.

to heal.

to feel.

it's strange how it turns out that way.

i love me some incubus.

my mom is smart.

i hate that i don't look at the positives.

it's bad how rude and ignorant i am sometimes.

it turned out good.

i regret and take back my last blog. 

i want a lazy saturday.

my mom is making me do dumb shit.

i loathe her right now.

i loathe everyone.

i don't understand people.

people who pretend to know things.

pretend to know me.

to know what i'm going to say.

what i think.

people don't know shit.

i don't know shit.

fuck you all.

and your preconceived notions.

i need woodstock.

i create relationships with people.

when i meet someone new i literally go into my head and see how a relationship would be with them.

it that weird??

is that only me?

i picture our interaction.

how lovey dovey we would be.

what we would fight about.

how our friends would be jealous of us.

my head just takes a first hug and runs with it.

i did it tonight.

it was sweet.

we smoked some happy, and talked.

he was clever.

i enjoyed his jew fro.

i have a weakness for a jew fro. 

it was like a playground.

just thick and cool.

and you have too much fun on nothing.

does that make sense?

anywhooo.....

indeed.

that's what i do.

thats what i did.

i don't know.

 i'm high.

higher than i've been in a while.

i'm a kite.

a beautiful shiny one.

i must lay.

i must sleep.

 the cold air is peircing me.

telling me secrets.

that winter is over.

that i must cut my jeans and make shorts.

i am wearing the stolen sweatshirt from new york.

she was a beautiful red head.

her boyfriend would be a good lay.

thats not a good thought.

i love the fire crotch.

no one is to find this.

don't tell my secrets.

don't tell my jokes.

TELL me stories.

fairy-tales about yesterday.

tommorow's lullabies.

my heart is still beating.

i thank the divine energy that is allowing that.

where am i??

i am not here really.

i am under the influence.

i can't type.

die you indie scum.

i wanted COECHELLA.

fuck you all.

i love beirut.

 i'm on a roll right now.

i'm going down.

feeling down.

touching.

the white keyboard is mocking me.

i must beat it into submission.

come on.

give in.

please??

take cover at least.

my eyes are half closed.

i missed this shit.

there is no us.

there is only me.

a singular me.

a lonely me.

a sad me.

my cigarettes burn faster now.

drags are harder.

i don't mean them to be.

i smoke more now.

it's unhealthy.

my breath has gotten shorter.

is that a sign to stop?

maybe.

possibly.

my life is ending.

it's always ending.

i dare not kill myself.

coward does not suit me.

it does not.

it's not a pretty color.

incubus is wonderful right now.

i'm fading.

i can feel it.

where am i at this point?

how loser is this?

is this a cry?

i'm not crying.

not anymore.

this is so funny.

the next sitcom.

 it's beautiful really.

the gentrified, dirty streets.

the glorified hipsters, artists.

bootleg bohemians.

dirty converse.

vintage torn clothes.

it's all pretentious and false.

the appearance of class.

everyone wants the untouched.

the 'indie'

the energy

the most organic.

always moving.

hungry for the next underground.

feeding on the new innovative band.

i miss the scruffy boys.

the insecure girls.

walking down bedford, pigeon toed and all.

exuding a healthy eager wanting.

maybe i was showing too much longing.

i miss it.

i miss me in it.

i'll go to williamsburg to heal.

to feel.

there was something real in the fake.

something that is universal, regardless of mask or costume.

acceptance.

belonging.

i belonged.

there are the genuine ones.

i'm going to find you.

 i am running on 2-3 hours of sleep.

red bull and natural energy go a long way.

i don't remember what it feels like to feel.

i haven't felt anything real in a while.

is there anything real to feel?

i'm over dramatic and stupid.

it's not enough.

just to thrive.

just to emulate.

i want it to be truth.

i want it to be wonderful.

i'm not happy.

i'm not happy with myself.

with my friends.

my scholastic situation.

my home.

my family.

nothing is working.

i'm not working.

i have a song on repeat.

it's played 57 times in this one sitting.

something is not right.

she threw me away.

i was nothing to her.

i am nothing to her.

nothing to her.

she is nothing to me.

CHEERS DARLIN'

fuck you.

complicated, messy.

i am suppose to be over it.

for the most part i am.

if i allow myself to be.

to heal.

to feel.

i am expendable to everyone.

i am something someone can live without.

i am easily given up.

it hurts to be chewable gum.

frosty and hot.

i am not what i am.

i am NOT what i am.

i am a liar.

a deceiver.

do not believe me when i speak.

to heal.

to feel.

im on my way to feel.

to heal.

tell me where i would go??

to feel?

to heal?

 i don't like people who like to wallow.

why be stuck?

being stagnant does nothing for anyone.

no growth.

it's disgusting and ugly.

i hate it.

and i won't be around it.

truly i wont.

 i'm happy.

yeaaaaah.

i think.

i don't really know what happiness means.

i hope this is how it's suppose to feel.

i should sleep.

yep i should.

nite.